Shame in the Workplace: Why We Don't Say What Actually Needs to Be Said

Why do we often react defensively—or even feel hurt—when faced with criticism? A key but frequently overlooked factor in this dynamic is the feeling of shame. Shame is a deeply human emotion that has a profound impact on our reactions and behaviors in the workplace.

This article is based on a recent webinar by ValueQuest, led by Andrea Schön, which explored the often-taboo topic of shame in the workplace and its impact on our feedback culture.

Shame: The Guardian of Human Dignity

Shame is a social emotion that exists in all cultures. The German social scientist Dr. Stephan Marks aptly describes it as the “guardian of human dignity.” It acts as an internal warning system that alerts us when our reputation, our sense of belonging, or our need to be respected as a person are at risk.

Shame often arises when people fear that they will be questioned, devalued, or humiliated as individuals. It is an emotionally risky feeling, as at its core it involves the potential loss of a part of one’s identity. Although we all experience shame, it is a highly stigmatized emotion. We rarely talk about it, and it is often confused with other feelings, such as guilt.

• Shame resulting from a lack of respect: This arises when one is ignored or feels inadequate. The underlying need that has been violated is the need for recognition.
• Shame resulting from a violation of boundaries: Arises from humiliation or a feeling of weakness. The need that has been violated is the need for protection and a safe space.
• Shame resulting from exclusion: This occurs when one feels that they do not meet the expectations or norms of the group—for example, due to bullying or job loss. The need that is being violated is the need for belonging.
• Moral or conscientious shame: This arises when one’s own values or ideals are violated, for example, when one refuses to help someone. The need that is violated is the need for integrity.

Dealing with Shame: How We React to Shame

The way we experience shame is physically similar to situations of extreme stress: sweating, blushing, or turning pale are typical reactions that often intensify the feeling of shame. To ward off this painful feeling, we resort to various coping strategies:

• Withdrawal: We make ourselves small, remain silent, and try to become invisible. This is often associated with fear.
• Attacking others: We pass on that feeling by humiliating or shaming others, or by directing our anger at them.
• Attacking ourselves: excessive self-criticism, perfectionism, or self-deprecation, combined with despair and the thought, “There’s something wrong with me.”
• Avoidance: We deny the issue, brush it off, make excuses, or escape into distractions.

These defense mechanisms explain why feedback triggers such varied and often difficult reactions. What we perceive as “difficult personalities” are often people using shame as a defense mechanism.

Shame in an Organizational Context

A lot is at stake in everyday work life: recognition, a sense of belonging, competence, and status. Shame rarely manifests itself directly in this context, but rather in the form of defensive reactions such as sarcasm, justification, gossip, secrecy, or avoiding difficult conversations. Employees who are criticized for new ideas think twice before putting themselves out there again. The result is often polite rather than honest feedback.

But shame does not only have a destructive side. Marks emphasizes the constructive, development-promoting function of empathic shame. It can motivate us to reflect on and change our behavior—provided that we continue to see ourselves as valuable despite a mistake.

Creating safe spaces for honest feedback

The most effective antidote to destructive shame is empathy and a sense of security. Connection, relationships, comfort, and fairness help reduce feelings of shame. Since vulnerability is at the heart of shame, we must create an environment in which people feel safe enough to reveal themselves.

The concept of psychological safety is central here. Teams with a high level of psychological safety—where employees can ask for help, admit mistakes, and voice criticism without fear of embarrassment—have been shown to be more successful.

Managers play a crucial role as role models in this process. How do they handle their own mistakes? How do they respond to criticism? Do they ever show vulnerability? Through structured processes such as 360-degree feedback, organizations can create safe spaces. Such tools facilitate honest feedback by ensuring anonymity and provide valuable insights for development through diverse perspectives.

Conclusion: Shame in the Workplace

Emotions like shame aren’t going to disappear from our daily work lives. But if we learn to recognize them, name them, and deal with them constructively, we can harness their protective function. By removing the stigma surrounding shame and creating safe, dignified spaces, we enable honest feedback and foster the ongoing development of employees and organizations.